Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
