Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
