A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
