Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
