Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm having to shit out rocks
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
