he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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