the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
