i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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