Do you still have your period?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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