In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
