The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
