dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
