Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Terrible idea I love it
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
