Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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