Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
