I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
