So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
