when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
