where am i from again
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
