nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize