True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
