Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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