i jhust puked up my retainher.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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