That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
