This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize