when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize