tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
