anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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