I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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