If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
