can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
