she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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