Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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