If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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