I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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