My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm passing your future prison.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize