Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
