I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize