Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
They took my balls.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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