My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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