Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
A bitchslap is in order.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
