Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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