I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
