your parents love me but you hate me
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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