my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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