Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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