My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
