Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
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