i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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