dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
