His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
