Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize