You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm sobbing to NWA
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
