yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize