I hope mine doesn't look like that
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
