if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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