I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize