my mouth tastes like poor choices
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
