Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize