Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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