He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
