I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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