Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
This is my gift to your gina
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
