Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
