my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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