i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
